there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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