So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
