why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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