Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
