if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
