it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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