i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
