guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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