I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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