i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
