how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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