its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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