i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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