so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
