I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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