what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sarcasm needs its own font
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize