Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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