In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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