Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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