his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
