Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
