i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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