I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
