i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
