There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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