I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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