Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
