i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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