just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
