You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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