I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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