I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
