Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
