I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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