Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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