you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
