this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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