I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
