I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
