We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
