Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
