I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm like, not good at living.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
