I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
