Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
