at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
