I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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