I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
