Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
