Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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