He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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