Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
