I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
