just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so that wasnt chicken after all
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
