I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize