I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
