I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
