I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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