Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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