I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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