and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The uberlube is also flammable
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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