i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
