Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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