my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
