I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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