You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
