but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
