you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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