I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
