I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
