he shaved USA in his pubs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
