I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize